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Choosing a Name

Picking a name for your new baby! Yes, the most exciting, stressful, trying part of pregnancy (besides squeezing a baby out of your vagina). But just like labor, you will have to do it anyway. Everyone has a say in your baby’s name, and I am no different.

Hello, my name is Jessie and I am a name snob.

And I torture myself with it, I love-hate awful names. I just can’t get enough of the ridiculous things people choose to brand their children as.

Having worked with children for over 10 years I consider myself a trend seer when it comes to children’s names. When I sigh at a baby name being too common I’ve been met often with, “Well, I’ve never met a baby named XYZ”. 

Replace XYZ with Dylan, Ava, Noah, Sophia, Lily, names that end in -anna or -belle.

Now I’m not saying this name hate is directed at culturally specific names, I’m more directing this at pretentious suburbanites.

Here is a short list of name types I hate:

  • Made-up names
  • Made-up spelling names
  • Nicknames as first names
  • Overly used names, like those featured on very accessible top name trend lists
  • Traditionally male names for girls (like Michael or Ryan, obviously not like Jessie)
  • Names that will not age well (Addie is a little girl’s name, Adeline is a CEO’s name)
  • Names of things, names like River or Fawn or Snow
  • Last names as first names
  • President’s last names (I have met a Nixon, Lincoln and a Kennedy, why?)

Here is what I consider a winning child’s name:

  • Likely no one will have your child’s name in their class (Don’t you agree, 40-year-old women named Jennifer?)
  • Baristas can spell it
  • You aren’t asked to repeat yourself after you say it for clarification
  • The name has meaning for you

I can’t even say my daughter’s name falls into this list because more than once she’s been called Susan. But damned if there aren’t 5 Suzanne’s in her classroom.

God help us naming our next child.

I know it can be hard, falling in love with a name only to have it shut down by someone you love or some crazy woman from a blog you’ve never met. My husband has to deal with me every day, so consider yourself lucky. 

It’s ok if you think I’m the worst; everyone is super judgmental about some aspect of parenthood. Probably. I don’t care where your baby sleeps, if they go to daycare or what kind of clothes they wear but my eyes will probably see my brain if you introduce me to your child Nevaeh.

How did you choose your child’s name?

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2 Responses to Choosing a Name

  1. Jennie Love November 29, 2017 at 1:13 pm #

    Loved this! I am also a name snob. So is my husband, and he’s worse than I am. We left our 4 day hospital stay without having a name for both of our boys because the struggle was so real.
    Love,
    Jenny AKA Jennie
    Born in the late 70s

  2. Emily H December 7, 2017 at 4:23 pm #

    This is everything. Absolutely everything. Perfect post.

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